In essence, these are the elements of a parenting plan:

(a) Decision Making – The parenting plan specifies who makes the major decisions affecting your child.
(b) Parenting Time Schedule – A residential schedule specifies parenting time for each parent; that is, when the children will be in the care of each parent
(c) Dispute Resolution – parents identify a dispute resolution process to follow if there is any form of future conflict
(d) Future Changes to the Plan – It is wise to specify how you will go about changing the plans as children’s needs or adults’ circumstances change
(e) Finances -Parenting plans also specify how various child- related expenses will be covered
(f) Any other aspect of the care welfare and development of the child.

The courts are not permitted to discriminate against fathers in court. There are still many cases, though, where the mother is given primary custody because up until the divorce she served as the primary caregiver. Fathers who wish to win child custody should prepare to present themselves as the better parent without coming across to the judge as bashing the other parent or attempting to limit the child’s relationship with her.

Unfortunately, once your court case has ended, there isn’t much the court can do to help with your problems regarding your ex’s boyfriend or girlfriend. Some court orders will state that you are prohibited from introducing your children to a significant other for a stated amount of time, but not all court orders include this stipulation. Other orders may go into specifics about when the children can be introduced to a significant other and who must be present. Without those provisions, you don’t have a lot of legal remedies to control your children being around your ex’s significant other, unless they are causing the children harm or there are other concerns regarding their well-being due to abuse. If there is any suspected abuse, you have every right to use legal action to protect your children.

The court will take into account a child’s special needs, particularly where medical and/or developmental issues make it difficult for parents to share custody. The court will still want to see that the parents are willing to cooperate with one another and ensure that the child is able to enjoy an ongoing relationship with both parents.

When making a Parenting Plan, parents may be advised to make a plan that is in the “best interest of their children.” Topics that should be considered when addressing this question include: (a) the age of the child (b) the health of the child (c) the child’s attachment to his/her parents and siblings and (d) the child’s personality, experiences and abilities. Thus, because children differ, there is no standard plan and a plan that considers these factors should be specific to YOUR child and therefor in your “child’s best interest.”

The term “co-parenting” was coined to describe a parenting relationship in which the two parents of a child are not romantically involved, but still assume joint responsibility for the upbringing of their child. Both parents maintain a shared focus on their child’s well-being and encourage a respectful view of the other parent. Co-parenting—having both parents play an active role in their children’s daily lives—is the best way to ensure that all your kids’ needs are met and enable them to retain close relationships with both parents.

Co-parenting in a positive way means that you as parents maintain a shared focus on the child’s well-being and talk to and about each other in a respectful tone in front of your child. Co-parenting requires empathy, patience and open communication for success. Rules should be consistent and agreed upon at both households. Agree on boundaries and behavioural guidelines for raising the children so that there’s consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they’re with at any given time. In co-parenting arrangements, both parents choose to put aside their personal differences to develop and implement a Parenting Plan that they feel is in the best interest of their child’s development. Healthy co-parenting usually requires ongoing communication, troubleshooting, and mutual responsibility, so it can prove challenging to implement following the dissolution of a relationship.

Parental gatekeeping encompasses attitudes and behaviours by either parent that affect the quality of the other parent-child relationship and/or level of involvement with the child in either a positive or negative way.

Gatekeeping occurs when one parent helps or blocks the other parent in his or her parenting role — essentially “opening” or “closing” the other’s access to their children. “Closing the gate” on the other parent interferes with the development of a positive co-parenting relationship and hurts children and parent-child relationships. Not falling for the trap of negative gatekeeping will result in the children gaining trust in both parents and feeling more confident about their relationships with both parents. Restrictive gatekeeping practices in custody disputes often involve higher conflict situations that result in numerous court appearances, limiting children’s contact with the other parent, interfering with ongoing contact, and/or rigid compliance with the Parenting Plan orders or agreements.

• Be patient and flexible. Even if you have a co-parenting court order in place, cut the other parent some slack if an unexpected change occurs and he or she has to change your agreed-upon schedule.

• Make your child’s happiness and well-being your number one goal. No matter how ugly or costly your divorce or separation proceedings get, always make your children’s best interests the top priority.

• Encourage your child’s relationship with the other parent by speak positively (or at least neutrally) about a parent your child sees less often. Forward all emails concerning your children’s activities, including changes and cancellations, to the other parent.

• Inform the other parent about school and day care conferences, and if you get along well enough, schedule them at a time you both can attend.

• Communicating openly and frequently with the other parent helps both of you stay on top of what’s going on in your child’s life. Plus, it’ll help avoid misunderstandings that could result in a larger conflict.

• Create smooth transitions between households.

• Do not insist on primary responsibility for childrearing as if no other parent exists or be an unbalanced parent who does not enforce rules and agreed upon restrictions. Remember that children develop best with a united front. Co-parenting with a healthy dose of fun, structure and predictability is a win-win for everyone.

• Do not undermine or refuse to comply with the other parent’s time with the child or care giving plans.

• Do not forget or refuse to inform the other parent of significant events in your child’s life, as sharing important life events with both parents is extremely vital for your child’s healthy development.

• Do not give up on finding a way to support the other parent’s ability to work with you regarding your child’s developmental needs or extra support that he/she may require.

• Do not change schedules at the last minute so that the other parent cannot maintain plans to see the child, or refuse requests for change that allow the other parent to see the children at another time when work or other events interfere with regular parenting schedules. Don’t burden your child. Emotionally charged issues about the other parent should never be part of your parenting. Research shows that putting children in the middle of your adult issues promotes feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing children to question their own strengths and abilities.

• Don’t accuse. Discuss. Never remain quiet if something about the other parent’s co-parenting is troubling.

Support your child in expressing disappointments without criticizing the other parent. Do not create any obstacles to your children having a positive relationship with the uninvolved parent. Maintain a positive attitude about the parent being a valued part of their lives and doing whatever you can to support that in word and deed.

Focus on what you can control. That is, focus on your relationship with your child.

If you can narrow in on what the reason for the non-involvement is, try to reason with the non-involved parent, but be sure to always keep your child’s best interest in the forefront of all decisions

The reasons as to why your child is refusing visitation with your co-parent are unique to your situation, but some causes might include:

• Your child is unhappy with the rules they must follow at your co-parent’s house
• Your co-parent lives far away from their friends, school, activities, and other things they enjoy
• Your child and your co-parent disagree on a range of matters and frequently argue, straining their relationship
• Your child does not get along with your co-parent’s new partner or other people living in their home

After an agreement has been reached, legally, in terms of visitation, you must comply unless visits are posing a threat to the child. Hindering a visitation can result in a contempt charge from the court.

When a child refuses visitation, it puts a parent in a difficult position. Make sure you protect your child if there’s any evidence that the child is being abused in the other parent’s care. However, it’s equally important to protect yourself in these types of situations by documenting facts and involving your child’s other parent in situations where a child refuses visitation. It may also be helpful for you to get your child’s other parent involved and put some responsibility on them to help make the visit happen.

If both parents fail to reach a compromise, they should try mediation with someone who is familiar with handling higher conflict situations and understands about changes in the parent’s role post-separation or divorce.

Being raised in two houses after a divorce or separation can be a difficult adjustment for children. With a shared parenting schedule, not only do they have to contend with no longer seeing both parents every day, but they must also adapt to new surroundings if one or both parents have moved.

Parenting time changeovers—the days when a child transitions from one parent’s home to the other’s—must be handled with particular care and attention. Children may be feeling particularly vulnerable and emotional when making the switch between homes.

Have items for your children at each house so that visits aren’t full of packing and luggage. This includes things like clothes, toys, shoes and toiletries. Set up a place for your child’s artwork and hobbies in order to help him/her feel that “this is home.” Encourage your child to bring games, favourite objects, and crafts from each home to the other.

Stability is a must for happy kids, so you will want to have established routines involving meals, play time, homework and bedtime in both houses. This will help them feel more secure and less anxious about going between the two places. Whenever your children talk about the other house, try to respond positively, regardless of how you may feel about your spouse. You want your child to be able to tell you about something fun they did with their other parent without experiencing guilt.

Transition times should be as smooth and simple as possible as that is best for your kids. Decide on a way to stay in touch with your children while they are at their other parent’s house that also respects the other parent’s time with your kids. You could, for example, talk to your child on the phone at the same time each day.

A child is entitled to reasonable maintenance for the essential needs for himself or herself, for example, clothing, housing, food, education and medical care. Both parents have the legal duty to maintain the child according to their respective means.

A court will look at the reasonable financial needs of the children involved, bearing in mind the family’s pre-divorce standard of living as it should be kept the same after the separation; then, each parent must provide for the children according to his or her means (what he or she earns and spends) on a pro-rata (proportional) basis.

Child maintenance is the right of the child, and therefore cannot be bargained away by the parent(s), or reduced by one parent’s decision and is also not tied to parenting time: you are expected to pay child maintenance whether or not you are spending time with your child. The children’s needs take priority over most other expenses. Moreover, if one or both parents remarry, this has no effect on their parental responsibilities. However, the maintenance order can be changed if a parent loses their job or other circumstances change.

If the two parties fail to reach an agreement, the court will make the final decision about whether the child maintenance arrangement is reasonable for the child.

Mediation is an effective alternative to avoid family disputes disintegrating into complicated court cases. During mediation, the two parties (and possible children and extended family) meet with a facilitator who remains neutral to them both and helps them communicate, develop options, clarify issues and focus on the future. Mediation is less time consuming, more cost effective and more informal than legal proceedings, and it encourages meaningful communication between the parties. This can result in less conflict and the parties having a greater say in the resolution of their legal issues. This often also leads to a better commitment to the terms of the agreement.

In cases involving children, mediation is a better way of helping make sure that children’s rights to be heard and express their views are upheld because mediation takes their best interests into account by acknowledging the existence of both emotions and legal disputes; it is not strictly a legal consideration. Ultimately, this helps to establish a better future relationship between the child’s parents in their dealings with each other.

There is no “one size fits all” parenting arrangement that works for all children or all families. Parenting plans should be unique, and custom made to suit your specific needs. When it comes to joint custody vs. shared custody, both can be advantageous. Both custody arrangements offer children a security, stable home environments, and the care and nurturing of both of their parents.

It is up to the parents to determine which arrangement works best for everyone’s schedule, lifestyle, and future plans and prospects, as well as the children’s development, happiness and success. This isn’t an easy question to answer, as it will depend on many factors such as:

• Your children’s ages and personalities

• Your family schedules

• The career and social commitments of each parent

• The academic and extracurricular activities to which your children are committed

• Your child-care arrangements and the distance between the parents’ homes.

Every child and family is different and so it’s important to think about what will work best in your situation. Try to look at this through your child’s eyes.

In most situations, children have the right to spend time with both parents, regardless of how you feel about each other. It is however, in the power of the court to deny or restrict visitation for various reasons. A common situation is where the court believes that the child might be in danger due to the visitation. The court can deny or restrict visitation if for example, the non-custodial parent:

• Has molested the child;
• Is likely to kidnap the child; or
• Is likely to use illegal drugs or excessive amounts of alcohol while caring for the child.

In such instances, restricted visitation may be granted. Restricted visitation means that the visitation occurs only under supervision. A court judgment on visitation specifies the conditions of supervised visitation, and what role the supervisor should have. Unsupervised visitation is usually not allowed until after the offending parent completes an abuse prevention program and doesn’t become violent for some time. The Court will only deny parenting time in the most extreme cases.

No. Although it might seem like a fair exchange to you when you are angry or when you feel sympathetic for your child, from a legal perspective, parenting time and child maintenance are not connected.

It is also important to note that maintenance and access are treated separately in terms of South African law. This means that both parents have a right to see their children whether or not maintenance is paid. It also means that one parent cannot withhold access to the child or children because maintenance has not been paid.

Just as your kids will grow and change over time, so should your custody arrangement. It is helpful to review a custody agreement from time to time to assess how it is working for the children and to make adjustments, particularly as children grow and circumstances change.

Parenting plans should also clearly outline how assessment of changes will be made. This should include how the other parent will be informed when the need for change arise, how reviews of changes will be made and who parents will seek help from if they are having trouble making a decision.

This implies that you can change your Parenting Plan at any time so long as you and the other parent/party agree to the changes.

When there has been abuse or violence in your house, either physical or emotional, this changes how you should go about making Parenting Plans. It is not in children’s best interests to follow a plan in which one parent or the children themselves do not feel safe. If you’re alleging that your spouse or ex-partner abused your child, you’ll need a lot more than circumstantial evidence. Relatives, neighbours, family friends, health care providers, and others who’ve witnessed abusive acts may testify during a custody hearing.

Additionally, medical records from your child’s therapists and doctors are often used at a trial. Evidence that your spouse has a history domestic violence against you, or the child’s siblings is also relevant. In cases where a parent has a history of domestic abuse or one parent suspects the other parent may be placing the child in an environment where there is a danger of abuse, court intervention is likely required for the protection of the child. While it is of utmost importance for a parent to protect his or her child, child abuse allegations are taken very seriously by the courts and are not to be made lightly.

The court may choose to:
• Revoke the accused parent’s visitation rights, temporarily or long-term
• Order supervised visitation
• Revise the accused parent’s existing visitation order (for example, by revoking overnight visits)
• Order parenting classes or anger management classes
• Order the accused parent to participate in domestic violence counselling
• Issue a restraining order or order of protection or make any order the court deems fit.

If this is happening, you should insist that you involve a professional counsellor, mediator with experience in high conflict divorce and violence, or lawyer before agreeing to any plan or change in plans.