ONE GAY AT A TIME – COPING WITH GAY DIVORCE
Whether you wanted to get divorced or not you are on a journey that will send you from pillar to post on the road to recovery. To make the adaption process a little easier you there is a few pointers you can follow:
Take Stock
Your divorce is so much more that the dissolution of your union. You might just have to move, divide assets and say goodbye to people who used to be your friends. During this time of loss and grieve it is important to focus on what you still have, whether it is a good job that you love, supportive family, a few real friends or even a beloved pet. Mourn your losses, but to heal and recover determine what you still have and focus on it.
Keep your eye on the end goal
You are not on this journey for the fun of it. You and your partner might have been on a long downward spiral of unhappiness and this divorce is just a hurdle on your way to happiness and healing. Yes, this hurdle will most likely be stressful and traumatising, but it is the first step to the rest of your new life.
Create your new normal
A lot of things changed, a lot of things are in the process of changing and a lot of things will change soon. In this time of uncertainty, it is important to get up in the morning and live your life. Explore new places, whether it’s that neighbourhood Deli you’ve heard about or an art exhibition of an artist that interest you. It’s important to stay just busy enough not to fall into a downward spiral of negative thoughts, but still to allow yourself adequate time to grieve.
Time Out
Be assured that you will have no shortage of advice during this time. Some of the advice will be of great help, but mostly it will just annoy you. It might even be advice from sources who do not have your best interests at heart. Just acknowledge and accept these wanted and unwanted advice. Don’t burn bridges if you feel its uncalled or unwanted advice. Accept it gracefully and keep your thoughts regarding the advice to yourself by allowing you a Time Out period where you just spend your energy on being. During this period, you are allowed to zoom out and to focus your energy on the moment by ignoring external influences such advice from wanted or unwanted sources.
Budget
At its best life is expensive and your probably used to the freedom that comes along with a double income household. Your average gay couple is a DINK couple (dual income no kids) with a lot of disposable income. Most likely after your divorce you will have to lower your standard of living. Therefore, the importance of a personal budget cannot be stated enough. At the very least you need to keep to this budget until you’re financially stable again. Remember, to get divorced is no gay pride parade, but it will get better. It will get better one gay day at a time.
Admin
Start copying all important financial statements. Whether it is bank statements, Tax returns, Insurance policies or life insurance, make copies and keep it in a save place. It is a good idea to create an e-mail account with the intention of mailing all important statements/documents to this account. Be sure to keep the password of this account save. These documents do have a tendency of going missing during divorce/separation proceedings. Best is to cover yourself by storing electronic copies of all documentation.
Reinvent your life*
Early on in the divorce process, between bouts of sadness or other crisis-related emotion, moving on typically starts in fits and starts and doesn’t really bloom until the divorce process is coming to a close. Its presence indicates that healing and resolution are taking place, whereas its absence indicates that sadness and related emotions are still present. Moving on involves becoming open to new experiences, new relationships, and new ways of thinking about one’s self. The process is inherently proactive, rather than reactive; it involves becoming willing to actively explore options rather than to passively react. While it isn’t necessarily a good idea to attempt to force one’s self to move on (at least in the first year), there are ways to cultivate its occurrence.
Think positively. Being able to move on with life is easiest to accomplish when one is hopeful, positive, forward-looking and present-centered, rather than stuck ruminating about the past. Negative, depressive or pessimistic attitudes get in the way of moving on because they are closed and do not motivate new approaches to life. Positive thinking comes easier for some people than for others, but anyone can learn to be more positive in outlook if they want to and are willing to practice. Getting treatment for underlying depressive or anxious problems sets the stage for positive thinking. Hanging around positive-thinking people, watching how they do it, and modeling one’s own behavior after theirs is the best way to pick up the habit.
Psychotherapy, support groups and supportive friends can help the process along by providing support and encouragement, and opportunities for practice. It’s not necessary to become a perfect positive thinker in order to benefit. What are required are only a sincere desire, and a willingness to practice. Put remembrances away. Some people, places and things will cause one to remember the past marriage and keep things focused on the past. To the extent it is possible, it is a good idea to put such things away so that they don’t automatically trigger old memories. When people places and things cannot be avoided, it sometimes is helpful to force one’s self to create new memories around those people places and things so that new more positive memories comes to mind when those people places and things are encountered.
Try out new things. Moving on with life is also facilitated by getting out and trying new things. Exploring interests, old and new, pulls one’s attention into the here and now, creates opportunities for creativity, meaningful social interaction and new relationships, and can even promote personal growth. The more one does, the more their identity as a single divorced person coalesces, and the more the previous marriage can recede into the past.
There are as many possibilities for things to try out, but a short list of things to consider doing might include:
- looking for a new job
- redecorating one’s living space
- returning to school for classes, or even a degree program
- exploring new hobbies and social or service clubs
- changing wardrobes, or getting a makeover
- beginning to date
- finding ways to help others through similar life crises.
(* https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/recovering-your-life-after-a-divorce/)